hello, adulthood

Since I began this blog--little more than a year has passed.
My last official post was made nearly 6 months ago.
Strange how much has happened in those six months.
Stranger still, how much has happened within that year.

For some reason,
as I stare at this blank screen--beautiful in it openness.
And as I stare at this jumble of letters--providing the simplest of tools with which to share,
I am at a loss.
I have the opportunity to fill this canvas with the most beautiful of gifts--words.
But I just can't seem to find them.

I have wondered around this Earth for 20 years.
I have found those things that interest me;
those things that irk me;
those things that pass away and those that last.

I have experienced fear, abandon, hope, joy, despair, hate, and love.
I have experienced life and death;
the highs and the lows.
I have been lost and I have been found.

And you know what's really intimidating?
I have yet to even scrape the surface of this thing called life.

The future is fast approaching--
and before now, this prospect would have frightened me.
The change, the possibility would have been too much.

And yet...
And yet.

There are things, situations, people--worth the risk, worth being willing.
Worth self becoming less and we becoming more.
Oh, the mistakes and broken attempts.
Oh, the worldly and selfish takings.

Apologies and forgiveness must be made and given freely with a head shake and a shrug.
I would like the excuse of youth--but find that years matter little.
For one year can become hundreds, and days can become months.
For one hour in the right place--can gain experience ten fold its intent.

Because in the span of a year, a plan can twist and flip.
In the time it takes to die, a new life can begin.
In the short days and weeks and months that we go about blindly following our own small minded plans,
a little girl can become an adult.
And she can learn to care more for others than herself.
She can learn that it's okay to become last.
She can learn what it means to give--and in doing so, to love.

A naive innocent can be exposed to the harshness of an ugly world,
and sill remember to find the beauty.
And one who knows the 'old, old story' can still hunger to hear it as do the rest.

A little girl that has fought adulthood in favor of the security of childhood for nearly her entire life can learn to hope, instead of fear, for everything that a future can hold.
And can face tomorrow head on, knowing full well that risks lie at every turn and bend.

I used to wonder when adulthood hit.
When you had that open eyed epiphany.
Did it just happen when you woke up one day?
You suddenlydevelop a taste for coffee, the ability to cook, a desire to work, needles suddenly seem like no big deal, things that go bump in the night are laughable at best, and you don't call your mom when chaos hits.

And then I realized--I'm never going to like coffee, the only thing I can make is eggs, work isn't supposed to be a breeze, needles will always suck, the dark is always creepy, and my mother still knows best.
I will always be clumsy, forever spill things all over me, keep laughing too loudly, and continue to find excitement in the smallest of things.
And that's okay.

A lot can happen.
A lot has happened.
A lot will happen.

And I'm ready--
But more importantly,
I'm hopeful.

In Christ Alone.

you've never read my poems

Most words, unheeded.
Most feelings, unwanted.
Like a migraine in the heart, light hurts.
Even a relief like the one you offered up--
nothing.

And my best days are your worst days.
The sun forgot to shine.
Wake up, you sleepy head.
It's only dark because your eyes are closed.

And when everything and nothing become one feeling,
you almost forget how you felt at the start.
Like a prick,
like a tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.

And most of the most,
is the least of the least.
Like a dream.
Not a sleep dream--but a vision dream.
A future.
But today is crowded down,
like a subway on the hour.

If your mind shunned your heart,
and the two played different teams,
you'd wonder, wouldn't you?

Nothing becomes everything--
all at once and never.
Interchangeable time is like an open casket.

phresh--

I've often wondered: when do fresh, young, idealistic eyes become old and wizened?
When does one grow so accustomed to the sights of beauty and joy that they no longer reconize or appreciate it?

I hope to never reach that point in my life.
I hope to always see the world through my own eyes.
To not let the world change or alter them to fit its own agenda.

I hope I remain.

I hope.
Eternally.

that is all.

happiness humbles

It's kind of like sadness is the new black.
Everybody's wearing it.

It's cool to be moody.
Romantic to be heartbroken.
Legit to be thoughtful and morose.
Me?
I'm not down with it.

The most humbling moment is had when experiencing true and total happiness.
And how often is it us that get's in the way of our own happiness?

God has plans to prosper us.
And we junk up the plans.
It all sounds pretty sketch to me.
But I'm starting to get a hang of it.
Now--the real trick is maintaining.

I got this.
I bleed confidence.

that is all.

lost--not the show

I started thinking about the word lost.
And all the many dozen contexts in which we use that word.
'pray for the lost.'
'I'm at a loss.'
'I lost a loved one.'
'I'm lost in the middle of nowhere.'

When it comes right down to it, I guess there are really several ways to react to getting lost.
One is to panic. Yeah, I'm definitly more a panicker.
Another is to abandon yourself to lostness.
To allow the fact that you've misplaced yourself change the way you experience the world.
Then there are those that just pick up their life and get found.

So how do we connect all these different meanings for one term to life?
We like the analogy of the nonChristian being lost in the middle of nowhere.
Makes our physical minds more comfortable with the image, I suppose.
You know, wandering through life. Searching and seeking.

It's easier for me to grasp in metaphor mode.
I guess I've been watching too much House, lately.

You ever had that moment at the end of a meal, where you haven't taken the time to drink?
I do it everytime. And so does my 3-year old niece.
We wait until our plate is finished, then pick up our cup and chug the entire thing.
You know, one of those out of breath, head rush kind of chugs.
And the thing of it it, here you sat with this glass of refreshing, cool water before you the entire time, and you didn't even know you were thirsty.
You didn't even know.

Maybe that's what being lost is like.
I can't be for certain.
I've never really experienced it.
But maybe it's like God is the cool drink of water,
and when you finally get to him, you can't get enough.
And the funny thing is, you didn't even know how thirsty you were.
And maybe--
maybe that's not the funny thing at all.
Maybe that's the tragic thing.

that is all.

I'm deliriously happy.
and that scares the you know what out of me.

you know what, you should probably just stop trying now.

endless

Do you ever think about who you are?
No--I mean who you really are.

Like when the doors are closed, the blinds are drawn, you've not showered in 2 days, and you're wearing pajamas you've owned since 5th grade.
and your hair is weird, and you pad around all day doing things like eating the cereal dry and straight from the box.
Who are you then?
And your covers are wrinkled, and you don't even care,
and the remote is somewhere in the mix up.

On those nights when you lay there forever, staring and thinking--
your mind running like a sprinter who tripped.
Funny how different everything seems then.

Like in those hours of quiet and dark, you could almost believe in peace on Earth.
and the possibilites are endless.
and it's like you have every answer to every question ever laid out before you.
And in those last few minutes before sleep finally wins your mind over,
right before that switch is flipped--
there's that sigh.

And that's you.

In that sigh is released all the stress, all the pent up energy, and every good or bad decision you made that day.
And the next time you open your eyes, it's a fresh start, clean slate.

That sigh is an ending and a beginning all at the same time.
And in its own way,
it's kind of beautiful, don't you think?
That complete abandon, that complete freedom--that total...you.

that is all.