Dear Mom, You Told Me So

So last night (technically this morning, but who's keeping track?)
I started thinking.
Not on my own of course, I had a bit of prodding.
But the thinking was purely self processed,
yeah,
I'm good like that.

Anyways, lately, some big decisions have come up in my life.
I know, I know,
how important can they be?
I'm 19 years old--what level of legit could I have possibly reached?
Well--that's where my thinking began.

I remember in high school--
okay, let me stop right there.
I know I've been out of high school only 2 years, and as such, have no right to take off on a "when I was your age" tangent, but give me a break--I'm nostalgic, dangit.
Digressing--
I remember my life in high school,
and how something truly insignificant would occur, and the Earth would shatter.
Literally--tremble and move.
I was done for, out for the count, throwing in the towel.
Funny now, how those major escapades and downfalls turned out.
How I look back and shake my head, smiling at my own ignorance, but a little embaressed at the same time.
Embarressed because, yes mother, you told me so.
(You have no idea how many hours I just stared at those words in awe.)

Moving on.

In truth, as amusing as I find those former meltdowns which now seem a lifetime away,
in essence, they give me hope.
No, perhaps hope isn't the correct word--
what they give me is perspective on life.
The perspective and knowledge that one day,
maybe a week from now, maybe a month from now, maybe a year from now,
I will look back on my college days in the same way.
I will most assuredly remember those "catastrohpic" evenings spent in tears and sigh.
Smiling a little at my own ignorance, and embaressed, because like all good little girls and boys,
the words of my mother have falled unheeded and on deafened ears.
Jeese, Fran, don't those "I told you sos" ever get old?

Because last night at..well, I won't tell you the time, because my mother will most assuredly read this post and then lecture me on the benefits of a good night's sleep,
but last night,
for whatever reason, I saw life with a clarity I never thought possible until adulthood.
Then it hit me,
holy crap,
I'm in adulthood.
I realized for the first time, that maybe you can never be absolutely certain about any one thing, act, or person in this lifetime.
Perhaps you were never meant to.
Maybe it is just as everyone says: no one is ever ready for marriage, parenthood, or for life to begin.
It just happens.
One more time, friends, life...just...happens.
And guess what?
It doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet.

I guess nothing is ever certainly seadfast wrong or right.
There are just good and bad consequences of each--in truth, you won't know until you look back.
Until you reminisce, or begin one of those "when I was your age" tangents.
I guess what I'm trying to say, or to type, more aptly, is what on some level, I've always known;
hindsight, my dears, is 20/20.
So maybe, this whole time, this whole kerbobbled (thanks Cindy Lou Who), this whole topsy turvy, windy, crazy, life--
we are caught up in trying to make this "good" choice or that "bad" choice.
But when it comes right down to it, all we are doing is making a bunch of choices.
And when it seems like everyone knows more than you--they don't.
Don't race to catch up, don't pretend to know things,
instead, slow down, and actually learn them.
Because what most fail to realize, is that the discomfort of uncertainty is the most precious part of the experience.
If you can feel comfortable "not knowing", you can learn anything.
And if not, then..well, you've stopped before you've begun.
Some things in life are meant to be broken, imperfect, chaotic.
It's the universe's way of providing contrast.
There have to be a few holes in the road, it's how life is.

Essentially,
what's going to happen is going to happen.
With or without our lowly, little human interference.
And most of the time, it's really us that get in the way os what we want and need anyways.
And time, world wide webbers, is an unreliable narrarator.
History is rewritten everyday.
Too often, life passes people by, while they're busy making grand plans for it.
So "we must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us".

So while tomorrow I will have another moment of weakness and fear the future and what it holds--
right now,
at this minute,
on this day,
I am simply thankful for the endless possibilities before me.
And I will try not to think too hard or process too much,
or use this as an excuse for not acting.
I will simply thank the Lord for the waking of another day (no matter how early), for another Christmas sunrise, for a day to spend baking with Grandma, for a hug from my Meemaw, a jab from my Peepaw.
And for another "I told you so" from my mom.
And I will remember always, those that cannot do and see and act anymore--
"I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them.
But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still live as we go from there. We can still DO things. And we can still try to feel okay about them."

Just wanted to leave you with one of my favorite movie quotes:

"It's hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes, I feel like I am seeing it all at once, and it's too much!
My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...
And then I remember to relax--and stop trying to hold on to it.
Then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid, little life."

Anyways, I was just thinking.

that is all.

my prayer

Lord,
give me strength.

that is all.