a.d.d.

I have trouble concentrating.
Should you know me, even for a short time--
this you will have discovered.
I can't control my thoughts, and so they simply tumble out.
Filter--
what's that?
It takes me an hour to tell a five minute story because I get off track and tell 11 more stories before ever reaching my point.

I have to tell every single, superfluous detail.
I've never been able to "think" my prayers silently.
Otherwise, my mind will jumble and travel in a thousand different directions going a thousand miles per hour.
So I have to pray aloud--
and well, even that sometimes runs amuk.
So I use a different strategy; prayer journal.
I actually have to write down my prayers, or my thoughts will never make it on a single track.
Try getting your notebook out and rustling pages everytime someone says "let us pray."
Frankly--it's exhausting.


There are few people in this world who truly understand what goes on inside of my heart and mind.
The speed that my thoughts run and then change is a lot to keep up with.
The feeling to always be here and there, to fix this and that, to say it right, do it better is always there.
So many times I leave a place and am worn out from the whirring inside of me going non stop.

To be perfectly honest, my reality would suprise most people.

I'm shy.
You just rolled your eyes, don't deny it.
I hate ordering in restraunts, knocking on doors, or meeting new people--
Sometimes, it makes me sick to my stomach.

I like being mellow.
Again with the eye rolling.
I am loud, obnoxiously perky, and giggly for most of my existence--
but my happiest is when I don't feel the need to be loud, obnoxiously perky, and giggly.

Contrary to popular belief--I have emotions.
A fair lot of them.
I would just rather breathe through something than break down and out.
And because I'm not into the whole "feel your feelings and share them" thing--
my image gets somewhat misconstrued.

But the truth is--this isn't me hiding behind an image or mask.
This is just me striving to be a person that I percieve.
It’s like, there’s this person that you want to be for other people. To make them proud of you. And then there’s you. And sometimes it’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.

So you're not being fake or hidden or masked--
you're simply being another version of yourself.

I guess what makes me so blessed is that I've found the people that I can be whatever, whoever, whenever I need to be.
Very rarely does someone balance me well enough to fit my different facets into the right places.
My friends--my family--they are my fitters and balancers.

And when I come before Jesus Christ, he sees me as his child.
In my basic, most pure form.
A sinner who fails--but keeps striving.
And he doesn't care if I'm obnoxiously loud or am dull and silent.

And you know what?
That's enough for me.

that is all.